“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” — Louise Hay
It has been a long journey, one that I now feel has come to an end. I am at peace with myself. And how do I know this?
I used to be afraid of gaining weight, even just a few grams. I was terrified of what would happen if I gained 2 kg or if my weight exceeded a certain number. I went back and forth for years; I gained a little, then lost even more. It was a never-ending cycle. My weight determined how I felt about myself.
But something happened last April. I simply said (and even wrote it down), “I don’t want to live with this anymore,” and I asked myself an important question:
Who am I without my eating disorder?
I’m finally myself.
How do I know I’ve learned to live with the eating disorder side of my mind? Because the number doesn’t control me anymore. I hadn’t checked my weight since last April and recently, I had a health check where I knew they would weigh me. I had no idea what to expect. Honestly, I didn’t think about it much, but I was a little worried; worried that seeing the number on the scale might trigger me, pulling me back into that old mindset and those habits.
But guess what? It didn’t.
I saw the number on the scale, 7 kg more than my last check, and I thought to myself, “I don’t care.” And I haven’t cared since.
That voice in my mind isn’t gone, and I don’t think it ever will be. It still tells me to eat less, to exercise more. But the person I am now is stronger. I know how to live with it without getting lost in it again.
It was never about erasing this part of me or leaving it behind. It was about learning to live with it, and moving forward.
A final reminder – the people around you are crucial never take them for granted. I wouldn’t be here without the people involved in my story. I’m forever grateful to the person who heard my full story, to my mom, my brother, my best friend, and my grandfather.