I have been great now that I have lived with my boyfriend after living alone. Soon I’m moving to a new country and I’m afraid I will do this again – restrict food, lose my periods, never getting better. Many times I have told my boyfriend (and myself) that this time I will not do that and this time I will stay healthy. Well, that has never worked. I restricted food the first moment I moved away from home. I went back to stay with my family during summers but restricted when I was alone again. Same happened when I moved to a new country after living with my boyfriend. I told everyone I am ”’fine” and ”really trying this time”, but the end results were worse than the previous times.
From my last cycle of restricting food and losing weight, I got the worst consequences so far: losing my already thin hair. It did open my eyes. However, I don’t trust myself. I have faced this before. I have never successfully maintained my weight when I have lived alone. I want to believe this time will be better when I live alone. I want to maintain my weight and muscles I worked hard for.
Bones, losing periods, always feeling cold, or tiredness did not bother me. Seeing my boyfriend disappointed every time I lost weight, sure it felt awful. But losing my hair seems to be the one that shocked me the most. That also gives me a bit of hope that I will not restrict again, but is it enough to keep me away from that?