It has been awhile. Last year I was worried about living alone again after what I experienced in 2021. I wondered if I can trust myself and stay healthy. So, am I doing better or am I only telling myself that?
Things I have worked on
I have eaten more regularly, that’s true. Eating regularly, however, does not mean eating enough. That’s also true. The improvement is that I do have snacks during the day and I have focused on having more protein. I have also had fun cooking. I used to hate that but I have learnt to make simple recipes and recipes my mom used to make. I have also stepped away from all “light” version foods. I used to buy these all the time.
I have worked on my relationship with working out and the stress I would get from skipping a workout. I’m more flexible now, but would not want to skip a workout.
Things that haven’t changed
Fear of gaining weight, restrictive behaviours, lying to myself, old habits. Overall, my weight is the same, I’m not getting my periods and I’m low on energy. I might eat more for two weeks and poorly for the next two weeks – and that’s on repeat. I feel like that’s the main reason I’m not making progress.
Getting my menstrual cycle back is the priority for many reasons. I have weakened bones, hormones that aren’t working, and I can’t make progress at the gym. Yet, that doesn’t seem to consistently translate to my actions.
The bottom line
I looked back at my writings and weight tracking and I have to admit, late 2021 till early 2022 was the worst I have ever been and I have not recovered from that. Whatever happened during that time, changed a lot of things for me. I had too much control and lost too much weight. For the first time I reached a weight that was my “goal weight” for years – the last time I weighed that little was when I was a child. That changed the way I saw my weight because I felt accomplished. I still ate but I ate so little and exercised hard that I eventually lost everything; my weight, muscles, hair, menstrual cycle.
I dug a deep hole for myself, and getting up is harder than I ever imagined.