It is often said that people with eating disorders see themselves differently. Sometimes I wonder, don’t we all? and what is “differently”? I know, in fact, I see myself differently but today I wanted to take a deeper dive into the topic through my recent experiences. Firstly, I want to talk about body image, because it will help in understanding my experiences.
Body image distortion
Body image reflects what the body is perceived to be like, according to Acta Psychologica. It’s noted that the use of the term “body image” need not include emotional and aesthetic elements, however, metrics and measurements of the body are often associated with these aspects. When it comes to “seeing yourself differently” we should talk about body image distortions. As the name indicates, they are a distorted perception of how someone sees their own body. I’m not an expert and find this topic to be a complicated mess (honestly), so I only mention the surface. Lastly, I do want to mention various studies have shown that visual information is thought to greatly contribute to body image. It is also true that our visual exposure to other bodies (social media etc.) outweighs our visual exposure to our own. This may reflect to any issues with body image.
My experience
The first time I realised what I saw in the mirror was different from what others saw, was around two years ago. This was a time I had lost weight and I remember still feeling big. It was the day after my birthday when my boyfriend had to mention the elephant in the room. It was hard to understand what he was talking about, but he showed me pictures and videos of me. The videos were shocking – I had nothing, I was a stick. These experiences continued to happen whenever I saw videos of me. However, whatever I saw in the videos, was not what I saw in the mirror – and that was the problem.
I wrote that in past tense because I want to believe that isn’t the case anymore, but can I really trust myself? Recently I saw this beautiful tall and a very skinny woman at the gym. I instantly thought “wow, she must be much lighter than me!”. Past me would have wanted to look like her, but now I’m more focused on looking healthy. That didn’t stop me from wondering how she could look so skinny. A couple of days ago I happened to walk past the scale at the gym. She had just stepped on it, and I saw the number. I was shocked. Mainly because I was so focused on thinking she can’t weight more than me. That was far from the truth. She actually weighted what doctors have told to be “my healthy weight”. Just a heads up, I’m faaaaar from that weight.
Do I still see myself differently?
Coming back to seeing myself differently, yes, I still think I see myself differently and I do fall for some distorted views. This last experience showed that I’m still struggling with my body image. I do believe seeing and focusing on other bodies can easily distort my views. I know this is another area I can work on. I’m taking small steps but I’m afraid this will be the hardest to cover. I’m hopeful – I will get there one day and see myself as I am.
This is why butterflies have a significant meaning to me; they can’t see how beautiful they truly are 🦋